Who's the worst?

Now that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have erased the goose-egg in their win column, there are no winless teams left in the NFL. So there are now five teams tied with the worst record, at 1-7: Tampa Bay, St. Louis, Kansas City, Detroit, and ... well, you know who the fifth team is. So those teams are in a race of sorts for the first pick in the 2010 draft. If the Browns get that pick, it will surely rescue the franchise, as we've seen how well this organization has done with the first overall pick. (OK, that was unfair. The Tim Couch and Courtney Brown selections were made several regimes ago; even the owner has changed since then. Still, it goes to show that a top pick is far from a panacea.)

But the question for today's post is not which team is most likely to get the top draft pick. The question I wish to explore is, which is the worst team in the National Football League? Let's take them all individually, in no particular order, using the major stats along with a few lesser-considered ones:

1. Browns: Lose by an average score of 26.1 to 9.8 (-16.3); 31st in total offense; 32nd in total defense; 31st in third-down conversions; 23rd in opponents' third-down conversions; -11 in turnover ratio (which, by the way, is 32nd in the NFL).

2. Chiefs: Lose by an average score of 25.6 to 15.8 (-9.8); 30th in total offense; 30th in total defense; 32nd in third-down conversions; 22nd in opponents' third-down conversions; +1 in turnover ratio.

3. Rams: Lose by an average score of 27.6 to 9.6 (-18); 26th in total offense; 27th in total defense; 24th in third-down conversions; 32nd in opponents' third-down conversions; -7 in turnover ratio.

4. Buccaneers: Lose by an average score of 28.9 to 16.8 (-12.1); 28th in total offense; 29th in total defense; 25th in third-down conversions; 29th in opponents' third-down conversions; -2 in turnover ratio.

5. Lions: Lose by an average score of 29.6 to 16.6 (-13); 25th in total offense; 25th in total defense; 16th in third-down conversions; 16th in third-down conversions allowed; -4 in turnover ratio.

These are all dreadful teams, obviously. The Chiefs are the only ones who lose by less than 10 points a game, probably because they're also the only ones with a favorable turnover ratio. The Lions have the best rankings in the other stats I chose.

So that leaves the Browns, Bucs and Rams for the title of worst. The Rams have been outscored the most, the Browns take the cake for worst combination of yards gained vs. yards allowed. The Buccaneers have no such claims, so it's between the Rams and Browns. I think the Browns have managed to do slightly better on the scoreboard, despite the obvious inferiority of their main units, because of the superiority of their special teams. We all know about Josh Cribbs, and the Browns' one win this season was largely because of a great effort by Dave Zastudil and the punt team.

So the worst team in the NFL is the St. Louis Rams, with the Browns a very close second. Does anybody wonder why there are still tickets available to next Monday's game against the Ravens? Why would anyone want to stay out past midnight on a school night to watch the NFL's second-worst team most likely get clobbered? I'm kind of hoping that game doesn't sell out, because then it will be on TV, and I'll feel compelled to waste my evening watching it.